First published in The Great Outdoors, 2019
Mbak Dewi, came home, back to our village in Indramayu. Dewi, my sister, she is sick. She got alat bantu and must take a lot of medicine. But Dewi’s little girl is okay. She had her baby before she got sick. Dewi loves that little girl so much. Little Putri. Little Princess. Everybody love little Princess Putri. Me, Mama, Papa, everybody.
Dewi went away to Jakarta when Pak André came to our village. Pak André, he gave our parents a lot of money to make our house nice, like the Suganda house. Dewi was a pretty girl and could earn lots of money in Jakarta. Pretty face and nice body. It is faktor ekonomi.
Yuli Suganda came home for Il Fitri holiday and she looked so nice, with beautiful clothes and make up and white skin. Herlina wanted to go to work in Jakarta but Pak André didn’t take Herlina, just Dewi. My father said he was lucky he had a pretty daughter and we got a very fine house. Papa was a fisherman but he got a bad back and could not go out fishing anymore or plant rice. But Mama plants rice.
Dewi worked in Mangga Besar to pay back the loan but she didn’t finish paying back all the money and now she has to pay Pak André for the doctor too. Papa says he is lucky he has two pretty daughters. I don’t want to work in Jakarta but our family need the money. Pak André will tell me when the money is all paid back and I will come home. I cried when I left and I still cry sometimes.
I make money for dancing in the bar and when the customer buys drinks but I make most money when I go with the customer to his hotel. Many girls have their own room at the bar and many customers come all night. I had never been with a man before so I made a lot of money from the customer who told Pak André he wants a virgin girl. Now I don’t know how many men I have been with. At first it was frightening and painful but I have to do it. And it feels strange. I don’t know the men. They are all strangers.
Dewi told me give them kondoms and give them cheaper price to use kondoms but many don’t care. They will pay more and not use kondoms. Some men want to use me front and back. Oh my God, what can I do? I want to stay clean. I don’t want to get disease but what can I do? I have to keep the job and make the money. I do it for the family. I take pills so I don’t catch disease and don’t have a baby. I also do hand job and yum yum but the money is less.
I never drink alcohol before but they give me drinks in the bar and it helps me to do the sexy dancing to the dangdut, the loud music, and do the job with the men and not feel so bad. I don’t want to drink so much like some of the other girls, like Lia. Lia is nice but she doesn’t care about anything and she never goes home. One businessman, Pak Chen comes to see Lia very often. One day Pak Chen, he shout at Lia in the bar and slap her and Pak André throw him out.
Every week, on my day off I go into town and look in the shops. The first time Pak André bought me new clothes. I got such short dresses. Pak André or Mami from the bar always come with me. They don’t want me to go to another bar. Maybe they think I want to run away, but they let me to go home for Il Fitri.
I take the train home for Il Fitri and Papa meets me at the station. He got a new motor bike so now there is more money to pay. Herlina and Sunenti see me in my new clothes and pale skin and they say, “Oh you look so beautiful.” I tell them, “Don’t be jealous of me. You don’t want that life. It is better not to be pretty.” I saw Agus at the mosque. He was my friend but he does not talk to me now.
I go out in the sun to the beach and swim in the sea every day and put on my old clothes. I try to feel clean. I try to be home. Dewi is still sick. I help her and Mama, help them look after baby Putri. Mama cooks the dinner. Dewi makes the tea. Papa watches the television.
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I work for a long time now in Mangga Besar and I still come home for Il Fitri. Putri is a big girl now and she is going to school. I never went to school. My parents had no money for the uniform. Dewi and Mama they look after Putri. “Such a pretty girl,” Mama says, “just like her mother.” “Even more pretty,” Papa says.
Dewi is more sick. She still takes medicine but her body is weak and her mind is weak. The doctor says Dewi will die. By and by she will die. Pak André gives me money for the doctor and for Putri so the debt is still not finish. I still do the work but I am tired. One day I tell Pak André “I cannot do the work anymore.” He says, “Are you sick?” and he takes me to the doctor. Yes I am sick.
I call my parents and say I will come home soon and I will finish working in Mangga Besar. I stay in Jakarta to go to Lia’s wedding. She will marry Pak Chen. Today is the day of the wedding but I get a terrible news from home. There was an accident. Dewi spilled boiling water on Putri. “Poor Putri in hospital,” Papa told me, “with burns on her face. Poor Putri,” he says, “she will not have a pretty face now. Poor Putri. Poor us.”